Profound Late-Night Thoughts

Recently, amidst a storm of teenage hormones and high stress levels, I asked a person who is very important to me if they were happy.

I didn't get a straight answer, but instead something that threw me just a bit.  This very important person immediately said to me, "I don't like that word.  This table is happy, this piece of chicken is happy.  It doesn't mean anything."

I don't remember every part of the conversation, but that bit stood out to me.  I don't recall this person going on to say anything about enjoying or being content with their life.  Just that happy isn't a word that they use.

"Happy" is the most important word in my world.  It is the word most often used to describe me by almost everyone I have met.  It was the one thing my mother wished for me as I entered the first day of Kindergarten.  It is the single word that defines my goals and aspirations for my life.  "Happy" is me.  I am happy.

And when the words, "It doesn't mean anything," were uttered by this very important person, my world froze for a moment.  My heart cried out to this person across the table.  It was like being told that true happiness doesn't exist.  Dreams don't come true.  Life sucks.

Never in my life have I felt more distant from another human being.  It opened my eyes to the level of suffering that can be caused by something as simple as a train of thought.

Well, I believe in happiness.  Dreams do come true.  Life is wonderful  Love is found everywhere, and an innocent kindness is the greatest virtue human-kind can possess.  All you have to do to find these treasures of life is believe.  Believe with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul, and anything can happen.

Perhaps I'm just a naive almost eighteen-year-old girl who knows nothing of the world.  Perhaps I am following a hopeless dream that will never see the light of day.  Perhaps I am truly insane.  Perhaps I am a lot of things.  And none of them matter, because I am happy, and I believe.

What is my dream?  Theater.  Why?  Because I want to share "Happy" with the world.  I want to help others believe.  I want others to live in the beautiful universe I live in.  This is my dream for everyone.

All the world's happiness,
Little Me

The Freedom of Sleep Deprivation

Staying up late is by no means a good idea.  It can cause sleep deprivation, which leads to tiredness, heightened stress levels, mental fatigue, and even weight gain!  So why would I choose to do it?

Freedom!

There is nothing more relaxing than turning off all the lights, turning on your reading lamp, making the bed, and settling in with your computer until the wee hours of the morning.  This is especially appealing on a school night the year after you graduate.  Finally, after so many years of worrying about getting to sleep as early as possible so that I can wake up at five in the morning, I can just sit back and watch the rise before I go to bed without worrying about my schedule.

Just kidding, I don’t stay up quite that late.  I’ve had a couple close calls though …

Is it good for me?  No.  Is it worth it?  Probably not.  Will I keep doing it?  Yes …

After all, work doesn’t start until three or four in the afternoon and it’s not like I have school holding me back (*sniff, sniff *)

I feel a little like a bum, going to work and going home and going to work and going to the doctor and going home.  Fortunately, ice show practices start soon, the next figure skating test session is coming up, trips with friends are just on the horizon, and I’m looking into voice lessons.  Soon, I will have an actual agenda again, and then it’s just a matter of time before I get to college, where I will have thirty-hour days and 8-day weeks scheduled.  Hooray!

TO DO LIST:

-          make special mushroom pasta (a birthday gift)

-          get vocal lessons (!!!!!)

-          work hard

-          sleep more

Wishing you a good night’s sleep,

Little Me

P.S.
Please enjoy these sleep facts found here

Goodbye, Childhood

Here is an absolutely brilliant song from the West End's Matilda the Musical.  Please keep this song in mind as you read through this post ...

Today was the first day of school for thousands of children in Nebraska.  They got their "First Day of School" outfits all ready to go, lined up their notebooks, pencils, and crayons, and headed off with a horrible sense of dread as nine months of school looms ahead of them.

And I laid on my bed watching anime, counting the minutes until I had to go to work.  Is this what being an adult is like?

I miss sitting in classes for eight hours a day, eyes glued to the clock waiting for the bell to ring.  I miss the anticipation of tests and accumulation of homework.  I crave the lunchroom atmosphere.  I want to be surrounded by hundreds of other teenagers again.  I miss band.  I miss drama.  I miss show choir.  I miss my friends.

How will I ever move on from the glory days of high school?  That's the place where I shed the skin of the socially awkward pre-teen and acquired the shining fairy-like personality I am known for today.  High school is where I met the most important people in my life.  It's where I made memories that changed my life.

I believe I should tell a story now.

When I was in middle school, I was having a hard time adjusting to a new disease, my parents' divorce, and a completely new social environment.  I had very few friends, I spent many lunchtimes alone, and gym class was a nightmare.  It stayed this way for three years, and when I think of middle school, I see only a depressing cloud of gloom.

When I was about to enter the ninth grade, I had a dream.  I wanted to be popular.  Not the brain-dead pack of mindless zombies commonly referred to as "popularity," but the girl who could be friends with everyone, regardless of age or social stamina.  I wanted to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me in return.

Starting from the very first day of high school, the sun peeked out from behind its dark cloud.  I met some fantastic people immediately who I will be forever grateful towards for accepting me into their tight-knit group and for being my best friends even today.  Then, I joined band, orchestra, color guard, and the drama club, and the sun only became brighter.

During Homecoming of my Sophomore year, I found that my dream became a reality.  I danced my way around the floor with the ability to greet and hug people all throughout the night.  My younger friends looked up to me, and my older friends accepted me.  It was truly a dream come true.

Every year, I opened up, made many friends, tried new things, and let who I was really shine through instead of subduing it.  My friends and experiences in high school gave me the confidence to go for my dreams and move to New York.

And now that it's the first day of the 2014-2015 school year, my high school career is officially, completely over.  I'm all grown up, or so everyone seems to think.  In reality, I will never be grown up.  In my heart, I will be twelve years old forever.

Back to the song ...

"When I grow up, I will eat sweets every day on the way to work."
"When I group up, I will watch cartoons until my eyes go square and I won't care, 'cause I'll be all grown up."
"When I grow up, I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed each night to be a grown up."

The kids describe being a grown-up as doing the things that children do, but as adults.  Isn't this the way we should all think?  Everyone should put the innocence of childhood into their everyday lives.  After all, it's the only way I will be happy in the years to come.  Wouldn't it make you happy as well?

Wishing you all the best happiness,
Little Me

P.S.

TO-DO List:

• Sign up for singing lessons for the rest of the summer.
• Learn routine for Aunt Molly and Friends ON ICE
• Work hard!

Money Saved: $129.60

Working in a Bakery

Today, I finished my very first day of actual work.  It was difficult at first, what with my social issues and nerves, but after the first three hours, I took a pain killer and it all got better.  I was able to figure out how things were run fairly quickly, and I was pretty productive for this being my very first day of my very first job.  And hey, free food that's going to be thrown out otherwise is always a bonus.

I don't usually take selfies, but I had to have something to remember my first job.  Plus, I thought I was looking cute today in my uniform ...

My job consists mostly of pulling things out of freezer boxes, putting them on trays, and then putting the trays back in the freezer so they can be baked off the next morning.  Pretty simple stuff.  The bakery is a quiet little nook in the corner of the store with a nice atmosphere and nice people, and it's closed by nine, so I don't have to worry about crazy overtime.  This is a very good job for me, and will be a great use of my time for the next couple of months.

News on Aunt Molly and Friends ON ICE:

I found out that I will be an actual character in this televised ice show, not just a nameless extra.  I'll be performing a duet with my brother.  We haven't been sent the details or the schedule yet, but I heard that my brother is going to be the farmer ... I believe that would leave me to be the cow.

I sincerely hope this isn't the case.

Love,
Little Me

When You Can't Sleep

So, it's one of those nights where I just roll around in my bed for hours wishing that sleep would come.  Unfortunately, my brain doesn't want to comply and is practically buzzing with energy.  This is what I get for spending all day on the computer ... technology messes with your mind.

There's this site.  It's called endure4thecure.org.  I know I don't have any readers as of right now, but if there is anyone just passing by, please go on over and visit this page.  A girl from Omaha, NE, who happens to be exactly like me, is trying to get together a nation-wide community for people with Crohn's Disease and other IBDs.  Please go over and take a look.  Maybe leave a comment to let her know that someone is listening or send an e-mail if you have a suggestion.

In other news ...

I don't actually have Lyme Disease.  My blood test was negative.  It's a good thing everybody (mom) freaked out about it!  Unfortunately, I still have to finish off three weeks worth of antibiotics.  I hate taking unnecessary medicine, especially since these particular antibiotics mess with the balance of my life.  It can't be taken within two hours of a multivitamin (which I take with my morning meds) or dairy products (I usually take my morning meds with cereal).  And it's twice a day!  I finally got bumped up to an awesome once a day medicine and then this stupid antibiotic got in the way of that.  Grr.

Also ...

I'm having a major social crisis due to getting a new job.  I feel extremely young and inexperienced whenever I go in to talk to the boss-ladies (which is all I've done so far) and this results in me being SUPER SHY.  I'm always afraid I'll do something stupid or wrong.  Then I go home and over-analyze all my actions and freak out about next time.  It's like middle school all over again!  I hope this gets easier ...

Tomorrow I have to go in for computer training again, since they were down when I went on Monday.  Then, I get a tour of the bakery and can finally schedule some actual working hours.  The bakery manager told me they had a busy week ahead of them, so that's exciting.  After so many weeks of doing absolutely nothing, I can't wait for a challenge.  A baking challenge!

I'm going to try to sleep now and forget about all of the social awkwardness I know is going to happen tomorrow.

Love,
Little Me

When Life Gives You Lyme ...

So I have Lyme Disease now.  No big deal or anything.

Two weeks ago, we returned from our annual mission trip after a sincerely amazing week filled with all the people I love.  The day before we left, I found a tick the size of a freckle attached to my thigh.  Without any sort of freak-out at all, we were able to allocate a pair of tweezers and remove the little bugger.  The youth leader then drew a circle around the bit with black Sharpie and told me to keep an eye on it on the off chance that I got the one tick in Missouri with Lyme Disease.

Two weeks went by without a problem.  Then, this giant red splotch appears out of nowhere.  My first thought was "it's the Remicade malfunctioning!"  But after a couple of days went by, I got no more bruises and ruled out that option.  That was the moment the tick crossed my mind again, and I looked up Lyme Disease.  Big red bulls-eye splotch, chills, unexplained fatigue, headache, sore muscles ... yep, that sounded about right.  But then again, I had just come from an awesome figure skating session.

Nevertheless, we went to the doctor the next day, and it seems the possibility of Lyme Disease really isn't a big deal as long as it is caught and treated with antibiotics immediately.  The doctors said, and I quote, "That is so awesome!"

But, of course my mom blew everything way out of proportion and then got on to Facebook about it.  She chose the vaguest explanation possible and basically said, "My daughter has so many health problems, and it looks like she has another one.  She's on her way to the doctor right now.  It's not looking good.  Asking for prayers." for the whole world to see.

First of all, since when does one ailment classify as "so many health problems?" Sure, sometimes my stomach blows up like a balloon, speaks to me, and decides to acquire random cramps, but I'm pretty healthy aside from that.  She has more health problems than I do!

Second of all, Lyme Disease does not exactly count as a health problem when caught as earlier as mine was.

And of course all of her friends responded with, "This God-given child of Jesus has suffered so much already.  Prayers prayers prayers ..." Then my friend texted me thinking I was in the hospital, and my skating coach told me the next day he thought I had died.

I was bitten by a tick!  It's basically a skin rash.  I love my Mom, I really do, but I think we need to have a serious talk about proper Facebook posting.

Anyway, Lyme Disease is easily treated with twice-a-day antibiotics.  The only time it's a real problem is if you don't notice it for months or years.  It's pretty awesome in the long run, because apparently, mine was the first case of Lyme Disease anyone in the doctor's office had ever seen in real life.

This definitely adds to my coolness level.

On to other news ...

On Saturday, I had PAID orientation for my brand new job, so I know for sure I'll have about 27 bucks added to my bank account in a week.  That's pretty good for just sitting around and filling out paperwork.  Tomorrow, I go in for "online training."  I'm guessing that's more paperwork, except on the computer.  Fine by me.  That's more money for sitting around doing nothing.

Loving all of the faithful readers that don't exist quite yet ...
Little Me